Hats Off

This piece has nothing to do with writing but everything to do with hats.  I specifically refer to the baseball type of headwear.  It is no secret that I am out of the loop on fashion and what is hip or cool or happening or rad or bitchin’.  Most fashion statements make no sense to me like the low rise jeans which allow you to see someone’s underwear.  I don’t want to see that.  Well hats used to be a simple affair.  You found one you liked and you wore it.  Now you have the curved brimmed hat people and the flat brimmed hat people.  Let’s start with the curved ones first.  When you buy it you remove any stickers or tags from it and wear it either lightly on your head or down low if you’re out in the wind.  I am one of these people and we seem to be a dying breed.  Now let’s look at the flat brimmed hats.  All tags are left on the hat including the hanging ones.  There always has to be a metallic tag stuck somewhere on the lid.  This is like the seal of authenticity.  It has to be there or the hat is worthless.  Then there is the fashion in which it is worn.  It could be worn backward draping down over the neck.  It might be worn to the side or to the side and slightly down.  On rare occasions it is worn forward, barely touching the head. What does it all mean?  Is it some kind of gang symbol?  I doubt it.  But it definitely has its own language.  Each way of wearing it must mean something.  And what’s with the tags staying on?  I walk into the store with my kids and it looks like they stole the hats they’re wearing.  I mean, seriously, why would you ever want a tag hanging from the back of your hat?  It makes no sense.  To me it says you stole the hat and you were too stupid to remove the tags before wearing it.  I know right now there are people out there laughing at my ignorance.  But there have to be a few who are also wondering what the heck is going on.  Besides, I don’t like the flat brimmed hats because they stab into my skull when I pull them tightly.  Maybe that’s the reason for all the different positions with the hat.  Who knows?  I’m not the brightest about these things.  After all, my daughter called me a “Nube” for a whole year before I found out it was an insult.  Maybe by then I’ll know why my hat choices are so out of style.